Feelings
like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger,
jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear
moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach
us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back
away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity,
exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher,
and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are.
The
evidence of self-sabotage can be very blatant. But more often it is
subtle and running in the background in our subconscious without our
conscious knowledge.
Let’s
say we have a desire and as a result we have established a goal. We do
want to reach the goal. It may indeed be something that we feel we want
very much. It may be a commitment to an exercise plan, or a metabolically healthy diet;
it may be a plan to organize the office, or to make that phone call, or
a determination to finally get that brochure written up.
However,
by the end of the day, we may have moved no closer to that goal.
Possibly, even by the end of the week, we may be no closer; in fact,
some of us have procrastinated for years on our goals—large ones and
small.
Then
again, maybe some of us have come off the starting block hard and fast
and maintained our focus for a time, and then wham! For some reason we
are stopped. We may feel like a wall has developed in front of us.
We
blow our diet after a perfect two weeks. We forget to set our early
morning alarm in order to get to the gym before work. We got caught up
in some time consuming activity and so were unable to get to that phone
call or to writing up that brochure.
We
may hang our heads and concede failure. Maybe we will feel that
circumstances have conspired to bring us to a standstill. We will
probably give ourselves some negative affirmations, just to compound
our belief that “we have failed yet again…just like the last time.”
(See more about negative self-talkhere)
But,
did we actually forget that important appointment? Or did we in fact,
hold ourselves back? Did we, then, sabotage our own outcomes?
Could
it be that a part of us really wants a particular goal and another part
of us is pulling us in the opposite direction? We may even feel that
there are many parts of us in conflict with many other parts of us. It
sure seems that way!
And do we see the pattern of these self-sabotaging behaviors becoming more concrete or maybe increasing as time goes on.
So what process is at work here? How did we arrive at this place?
Early in our lives we developed themodel
or program of our sub-conscious mind. This includes most of our beliefs
and patterns of behavior that we created as a result of our first
experiences in childhood and even in the womb.
Most
of our programming and behaviors were a response to avoiding feelings
of fear and anxiety and attempting to restore feelings of safety and
security.
So
rather than seeing the conflicted parts of ourselves, the parts that
seem to be having that tug-of war with themselves, as sick or abnormal;
we need to realize as Milton Erikson said, that “All problems were once solutions.”
Maybe
we solved that old problem too well, and the solution or strategy which
once maintained our safety has now become an even bigger problem, which
no longer serves us.
For
instance, there may have been a bully at school when we were very
young. When we were sick at one time we felt comforted and secure when
mom kept us at home. Similar sick days may have given us more of this
secondary gain—avoiding the bully.
It is possible that later, obligations that made us anxious may have
subconsciously brought on an illness that helps us avoid that
anxiety-provoking situation. However, it is important to recognize that
the original intent of the behavior was to keep us safe. That is the
primary function of the non-conscious mind—self-preservation and
survival.
It may that the goal could be to find when and where this part of
you was created and then to find it’s original purpose in your life.
That purpose may already be satisfied and therefore the behavior may no
longer serve the part of you that created it. If that anxiety or unsafe
feeling is still there, then we can find another solution.
The holistic modalities and healing techniques that we use here atPutnam Healing Arts
are transformational. Modalities such as Hypnosis and EFT are powerful
in clearing these old traumas and emotional memories so that pattern
collapses and we are no longer doing the self-sabotaging behaviors.
That
child inside us is no longer stuck on that playground with that bully,
and can release that old self-defensive fear. Self-esteem is restored
and we can move forward. Seeprogram events and listings.
