This
insight is commonly overlooked when working with people who have had
the unfortunate experience of being mistreated and abused by one of
the parents. The “bad” parent is easily the source of many
tapping issues and provides an excellent source for many specific
events, while the parent who was “good” was typically the island
in the storm of the household. In my opinion, the “good parent”
is a big “blind spot” and uncovering this can rapidly lead to
clarity and emotional healing.

What
I mean by that is this: it seems that typically when the client
focused on the “mean” parent and canonized the other, I
consistently found the “sainted parent” to be the real source of
rage. This can be totally unapparent to the client's conscious mind,
and it’s always a completely surprising discovery. To acknowledge
the realization that while one parent was abusive, the other parent,
for their own reasons, let it happen repeatedly and didn't protect
you from it, refocuses the source of rage and raises new abandonment
issues.

This
is not without a great deal of resistance from the client, so much so
that it has to be approached gradually, gracefully and in a
roundabout way. Getting someone to say, “even though I am angry at
my mother” usually elicits “but that's not true, I love my
mother, she was always there for me, I don't have any anger at my
mom." There seems to be a great deal of resistance to
expressing dissatisfaction or anger toward the 'good' parent, and an
underlying sense of guilt in doing so. “How could I say that when
she/he was so good to me?”

A
good parent is definitely a touchy subject and like anything else
there are variables in every situation. I advise practitioners to
use your intuitive sense as to when the client is ready to explore
all angles. If you are a practitioner, with a good client interview
in place, you can easily recognize some of the intricacies of
personal motivation, and determine if the client is indeed a “real”
client. The ideal clients are those who have come to a point in
their lives with enough congruence already in place to know they can
still improve their journey. They are motivated to get better, and
open to exploring every aspect, while other clients are just in love
with the “quest” and you'll never get through the resistance they
offer, their secondary gains, or their need to remain in control. I
have respect for everyone, nevertheless, and never take it personally
if I can’t work with a client. The path to self-help and healing
is a very deep and personal journey, with individual differences in
the velocity and acceleration in which to get there.

My
approach has been to coax the client into 'trying on' the phrases,
assuring them that there is no disrespect intended. As Gary Craig
called it, “garbage and gold," an intuitive guess or a hunch
for a setup phrase will either land or not, with no harm done, and no
harm intended. This is the time a good pre-frame is useful before
delivering the setup phrase. In my experience what usually happens
is a sudden and startling recognition as they are tapping, a
realization of the underlying emotions about the 'good' parent that
were deeply and truly hidden.

Of
course, we are not trying to play the “blame game” here, but
rather to distribute the anger; to put the parental dynamics into an
adult perspective rather than the perspective of a child operating
emotionally in suspended animation. It may well be a relief to the
client to realize that it takes one passive parent to allow the
aggressive one to call the shots. Since the ultimate goal here is to
achieve clarity, forgiveness and deep healing, it is important to
reach a place of understanding about both parents. Personal peace
falls somewhere in the middle of all this.

While
there is a multitude of personal justifications why one parent is
willing to stay in an environment of abuse that includes the
children, with regard to the good parent, it’s important to
recognize that powerlessness is a probable core issue.

An
example of this was in the case of my client, William. A
well-respected and renowned Gestalt psychotherapist for over 40
years, William called me because he was suffering from a serious
disease, having received a dire diagnosis by his doctors. Based on
his life's work and educational background, he was skeptical about
EFT, but desperation led him to at least trying it.

William,
the youngest of two sons, came from an affluent family, and had a
father who was in a political position of great prestige and
authority, and unfortunately, an alcoholic. In this case, his
mother, the “Saint,” had to keep up appearances as the perfect
wife and mother in public, but privately accommodated an aggressive
and dominating alcoholic husband. His mother, who above all was a
genteel Southern lady who never acted out inappropriately, also had a
long history of bouts of depression and withdrawal in which, without
warning, she would take to her bed for weeks at a time. He understood
this intellectually, and had nothing but compassion for all she
endured. As for William, anger was a very bad thing to express. In
fact, the only way he could express his own rage was to be
intoxicated – like, guess whom?

By
Williams own admission, he’d worked with some of the top
psychotherapists in his field on sorting out his past to heal and
enhance his understanding of himself, and his clients. At our initial
interview, he told me his father had been the bane of his childhood
existence, and was, understandably, the topic of his many years of
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). He assured me that there was
nothing left to deal with regarding his father, and suggested we
could look at other aspects of his adult life that he felt were
undone.

Throughout
his life, personal and professional, he regarded himself, and in fact
was known to be, very easy going. William, an accomplished intellect
in his field, specialized in men’s issues, specifically, anger
management. As a testimony to his successful therapeutic counseling
style, he was compelled to set an example for his peers (and
clients). Even after a very painful divorce (unfaithful wife), he
gamely took it on the chin, shook hands with his “best friend"
(the man she left him for), and bid his wife farewell after 20 years
of marriage. He was proud of how civilized he had been. Besides,
he’d be just like his father if he did display anger, if he looked
or acted as if he had fallen apart. He felt it would prove that he
really didn’t have it all together, and he’d be discovered –
God forbid, after all, appearances are everything.

Our
first session involved coaxing an anger response at his “best
friend,” who had an affair with his wife. I used the EFT “Power
Back” technique, which elicited a true rage response and shock at
his own reaction. The result of that session was a cessation of the
constant 8-9 intensity level of pain he felt in his mid back – a
knife-like stabbing pain (get the metaphor on this one?). That got
his attention, and he decided that there really was something to this
“energy stuff.”

After
our second session, reviewing our earlier conversations about his
father's drunken rages, I casually asked William where his mother was
in all of this? He said, “that 's a good question, but let's have
a look.” The only thing he could come up with was that his mother
always wanted everything to be perfect, including him. She was
always fidgeting with his hair, his collar, constantly “fixing”
him, so he would look presentable because, according to William,
appearances were everything. “That’s just the way mom was;
everything was always wrong for her. Nothing was ever good enough or
right." With that I suggested, for exploratory purposes, that
we do a round of tapping about that just to see if there is any
emotional charge about having to look perfect. He replied “OK, if
you think so, but I doubt it."

“I
can accept myself even though mom wasn’t satisfied with the way I
looked."

After
a round of tapping, William said he felt some anger welling up in his
chest, and what started at a “0” emotional charge, spiked up to a
7 level of intensity. He said he always felt like something was
wrong with him due to her disapproval and rearrangement of his attire
or hair. Then, an old memory came up about her sending him back into
his room to change his clothing after he had taken great care trying
to look his best for a birthday party. He felt sad and mad at the
same time about this event. Following his lead, we continued.

“Even
though my best wasn’t good enough that day, something is wrong with
me, maybe I can accept myself."

He
got even angrier after two rounds of “something’s wrong with me."
It went up to a 10 level intensity. He said, “you know Rossanna,
to this day I refuse to wear a coat and tie” #@% damn it”!

Other
tapping phrases followed:

“Even
though mom wasn’t perfect she expected me to be”

“Even
though I always wish mom was like Billy’s mom”

“Even
though I don’t know why she even had us if she was so sick to begin
with”

“Even
though I was born to make her happy, and it didn’t work”

“Even
though I could never make her happy”

“Even
though I never knew when she would get sick again and leave us alone
with dad”

An
intuitive thought popped up suddenly that prompted an extended setup
phrase. We had much to do yet, and with this new can of worms opened,
I thought we could fit clarity and forgiveness in the phrase with
this particular issue—it was worth a shot.

“Even
though mom felt wrong inside, everything was wrong for mom, and she
tried her best to make me right, but it made me feel wrong; I can
accept how I feel about this now, and choose clarity, so I can fully
forgive her." Reminder phrase: “It was the way mom felt
about herself; it was never about me; my appearance was the only
thing she could control; she could allow herself to feel better when
I looked just right, knowing what I know now, I can feel compassion
for her inner struggle and forgive her with all my heart."

William
was very surprised that this seemly benign issue about his mother,
who could do no wrong, had suddenly unfolded into such anger. That’s
the beauty of EFT; if it’s wafting around on a cellular level, it
will surface with tapping! After testing and retesting this issue,
he felt it was a zero.

The
next unexpected negative event that involved his mom was a “wait
until your father gets home” issue. This specific issue was a
memory he said he had spent many hours on in therapy, the focus being
on his father only. Even so, here it was again, with his mother
being the focus this time.

Although
his mom knew the ferocity of her husband’s temper fueled by
drinking on his way home from work, she consistently assigned him the
task of disciplining the children. William recalled being very young
(2 or 3 years old) when this happened. He couldn’t remember why
his oldest brother got in trouble, but he recalled waiting with his
brother in the bedroom until his father got home. There was an
obviously high emotional charge in just saying that much out loud, so
I approached the event by sneaking up with the Tearless Trauma
Technique, then had him Play the Movie, and later, Tell the Story.

“Even
though I was afraid he would kill you”

“Even
though I can still see him chase you around the table”

"Even
though I can still see myself crying in the closet”

“Even
though I didn’t think he would ever stop beating you”

“Even
though I was too small to help you”

“Even
though I was too afraid to help you”

I
asked him where his mom was during all this? He said, “Standing
there watching it happen."

“Even
though you (mom) didn’t stop it”

“Even
though you knew what would happen and set him up anyway”

“Even
though you didn’t give a damn”

“Even
though I #%&*ing hate you for that”

“Even
though you’re a coward”

“Even
though I can’t trust you”

William
was stunned at his anger toward her after our session. Perhaps there
were reasons why he was so angry and couldn’t cope? Could it be
possible that dad felt he needed to be anesthetized just to come home
to his own reality? Why did he punish his dad by rebelling and
embarrassing him? Was it based only on his childhood understandings
and viewpoints, the writing on his walls? Maybe dad wasn’t such a
bad guy after all?

He
came to the realization that his mother actually had anger by proxy
(for her own reasons, and the probable core issues behind her
depressions). She, the passive parent set up (angry responses ) for
the aggressive parent, her husband. She wasn’t there for either of
her children in the biggest way. She either coped by escaping into
her closed-bedroom-door depression, or passively watched as she
orchestrated the rage filled family dynamics with everyone being her
pawn—because she felt powerless.

William
came to realize that her passive aggression was extreme. If she had
had the courage and clarity to love and respect herself, to protect
herself and her children, none of this would have happened – the
family dynamics would have been very different. Meanwhile, other
insightful “mother” epiphanies resonated for him the rest of the
week after our session which he eagerly used as material for his
homework in between our sessions. He was my most compliant client in
that respect.

I
received an email from William a day after this session which, to me,
was living proof of how very profound his inner healing had been,
that he really “got it” and acknowledged it. A man with his
background could have had real professional resistance issues, but we
addressed that possibility early on. “After working on this issue
on Wednesday, I had a sudden thundering realization that I did learn
about forgiveness, and I learned it from my father, but missed the
lesson because I was so anti-anything-father. And I remember well,
on a cellular level, the feeling of utter relief and freedom and joy
at being forgiven, which comes back to me now in a physical sensation
of elation. I made a list of all the people I had ever harmed or who
had harmed me, and I've been tapping and struggling to forgive them
and me. From inside my mother's world, this wasn't going very well
and seemed to have no end, and now, from inside my father's world,
which is now very much my own, forgiveness comes so easily, with the
grace of a summer breeze, that I am in a state of amazement and
tears.”