Sasha (not her real name), a successful personal coach, came
to me because although she was very comfortable in one-on-one sessions, she was
extremely nervous at the thought of presenting to groups.However, she wanted to start giving
teleclasses, and felt that getting over this fear so she could present
comfortably would be better than ‘toughing through it.’I agreed.
I asked if she had a particular fear of presenting to groups
on the phone, or whether her fear was just groups in general.She felt that the fear was the same
regardless of whether it was in-person or on the phone group work.
I asked what, specifically, she was afraid of.She said ‘I’m afraid that I’ll make a
mistake’, ‘afraid that I’ll appear incompetent’, and ‘afraid that I’ll look stupid.’
She rated the fear at an ‘8’ intensity on the 0 to 10 scale.
I felt intuitively that the affirmation of the setup should
be modified, so we used:
Even though I’m afraid that I’ll make a mistake, and look
stupid and incompetent, I’m open to deeply and completely accepting myself
anyway.
Reminder phrases:
I’ll make a mistake
I’m afraid I’ll look stupid
What if I forget what to say?
I’ll look incompetent
Note: I find that the reminder phrase ‘this fear’ does not
seem to be as effective a way to keep my clients’ attention on their issue,
compared to saying aloud the thoughts that are running through their heads.
We did a complete round, using all points. Sasha reported
that the fear had droppedto a
‘6’, so we did another similar round, simply modifying the setup to ‘Even
though I still have some of this fear that I’ll make a mistake, etc…’
At this point, Sasha reported that the fear had dropped to a
‘5’.I told her that ‘5’ was a
great number, where we could start playing a bit more, and said that I might
use a little humor.She
thought that was a great idea.
New setup:
Even though the world will end if I make a mistake in my
teleclass, even though everything hinges on this teleclass, maybe even world
peace, I choose to love and accept myself anyway…
The reminder phrases were similarly silly:
I’ve got to do it right or the world might end
Everything depends on me being perfect
The fate of the world hinges on my perfect teleclass…
This was also a complete round, using all points.
At the end, Sasha was laughing and said that the fear was
now at a 2-3. I asked her, if she had to guess, what was keeping the fear in
place?She said that she was
afraid that without the fear, she wouldn’t adequately prepare for the
teleclass.
She also reported at this point that something else was
coming up – she was now feeling guilty that she had carried around this fear
for so long, and it had kept her from doing group work and helping people in
this way.She reported the emotion
as ‘regret and sadness’ with an intensity of a ‘6’.
Setup:
Even though I have this regret and sadness because I’ve had
this fear for so long, I choose to love, accept and forgive myself anyway…
Reminder phrases:
I should have gotten over this fear before this…
Why didn’t I get over it before this?
I’ve been playing small…
I could have done group work before this…
I feel all this regret…
I’m sad I didn’t deal with this before
(Going into a second round without stopping, we switched
to:)
What if this was the perfect time for me to deal with the
fear?
What if I just wasn’t ready before?
What if I could trust that this is the perfect time for me
to start giving teleclasses?
What if now really is the perfect time?
What if I could forgive myself?
I choose now as the perfect time to start group work.
I choose to forgive myself for my fear, I’m doing the best I
can, and that’s good enough.
Sasha reported that the regret was completely gone at the
end of the double round, and that the fear was still at a 2-3.
I asked her what she would really like to communicate to the
teleclass participants, and how she would like to feel.She said that she would like to come
across as warm, confident, caring, and positive.
Setup:
Even though I have to keep this remaining fear so I’ll
adequately prepare for the teleclass, I choose to consider that I could be
warm, confident caring and positive instead…
Reminder phrases:
I have to keep the fear
I won’t be prepared if I don’t keep the fear
This fear is making sure that I will prepare
Nearing the end of a full round, and beginning a second round,we
shifted to:
What if I don’t have to keep the fear?
What if I could prepare without it?
What if I could prepare from a place of caring, rather than
fear?
What if I could prepare from a place of confidence, rather
than fear?
We finished the second round with:
I choose to be warm, confident, caring and positive.
At the end of her session, Sasha now reported that her fear
was at a 1, and was quite happy with that level. I suggested to her that it
might drop on its own to a zero (hopefully setting her up to look for that if
it should occur.)
I asked her to visualize giving the teleclass, from setting
it up to picking up the phone, talking to people, etc.She said that she felt a little nervous
about the technology, but knew that she could walk through that with the help
of a friend.She had no fear about
the idea of speaking to the group, and recognized that was a different aspect
from her discomfort with technology.
She expressed some concern that the fear might return, and I
explained that in my experience, an additional aspect might surface, such as
her discomfort with technology, but that usually the fears that were dissolved
remained that way.
To keep her fear from spiking from any additional aspects
that might surface, and from the ‘fear of the fear’, I also suggested that she
tap every day until the teleclass using the following setup and reminder
phrases:
Setup:
Even if I’m tempted to go into fear, I choose to focus on
being warm, confident, caring and positive.
One full round with the reminder phrase (positive):
I choose to be warm, confident, caring and positive.
Sasha reported
that she felt confident about giving the teleclass, and when I checked in with
her a week later, was happily making final preparations with no return of the
fear.
